I thought I had a pretty good vocabulary.
Then I got divorced and started online dating…
I went on Match.com and quickly realized that I was going to have to learn a whole new lexicon! All these crazy-ass words, but why? Well, it seems as we continue to fail and fuck up with dating and relationships, we need more words to explain why. Like we need these words to describe our many faults? Fabulous. Take “Cushioning” for example. It’s a newer term where a partner in a monogamous relationship still flirts with other people, so if the main relationship fails, there’s a backup plan. Fantastic! Why do we need a new word for that? I call that crap, CHEATING. I know, so 2009, my bad.
And then there’s cricketing, orbiting, hatfishing, breadcrumbing and submarining…I feel like I need to make flashcards to remember all of them. I promise, there will not be a test after this, but holy shit, I may need to scribble them on my hand. Ok, ready?
Here’s the quickie vocab lesson on the most recent words for y’all:
As rude and disrespectful as it may be, it happens all the time. And it’s not just when dating, this takes place in relationships between friends, family, and even work colleagues. It’s when you hear “crickets” between texts. A lull of sorts after texting, get it? You text, he texts, you text…then crickets. WTH, right? Have a little more couth than that you douche. Just say, “Ok, off to the gym! Text you later.” Or “I’m kinda slammed get back to you in a few hours.” No need to ignore a person, have enough respect to return a text. And if you don’t like a person, have the balls to say that, too. Even if it’s not in person…(Yeesh.)
You break up. It’s over…like done! But he still stalks you on social media. He likes your pics; he snaps you all day. What a joke! He ghosts you and says he wants no real thing, yet still views your profile on LinkedIn? Weirdo. This planet ain’t big enough for the both of us.
Not to be confused with CATfishing this is a little bit more specific. Hatfishing is when a dude wears a hat in his profile pictures to cover his bald spot and when you see him in person…and he has no hat on…he’s, well, BALD. Clever, huh? Funny AF if you ask me. This one wins the Latest Lingo Prize; hats off to ya, linguists. (Pun intended.)
This is when the person you were dating ghosts you; completely disappears from your life without notice…only to resurface (like a submarine, ha) with no apology and acts like no time has passed. Ummm, excuse me! What a fucker. And as a dating coach, this is where I say NO CAN DO, Sailor. Or is it Captain? Take a dive, buddy…buh-bye!
Oh hell no. When a person sends sweet or flirty texts to keep someone around or string them along with little or NO intention of ever dating them. This is not new, people. This is called LEADING a person on. Epic fail on this “new” word. It’s just an oldie but goodie with a different name. And call it what you will, it’s both hurtful and a big bunch of bs.
This list goes on and on…and there are more words to learn, but I think I’ll stop here. Just remember this, dating should be easy and exciting. The person you meet should make your heart skip, and your stomach flip…if not, be done. Life is too short to spend one second with a partner who doesn’t get your panties wet. And yes, I said that! Ladies, you are fabulous. You deserve a mate who knows it! Show up on that date with no expectations, just a positive attitude and a smile, and trust me, he or she will smile back.
Nothing says “sexy and confident” like positivity!
And remember, words are just words; actions speak much louder. If you text and they dare to cricket your amazingness…that is showing you how they feel. Kick that ass to the curb and move along. You. Deserve. Better.
Jennifer Hurvitz is the best selling author of the novella, One Happy Divorce and winner of the Best Television Episode Screenplay Award at the Atlanta Comedy Film Festival for her TV pilot based off her blog, The Truth Hurvitz. Jennifer’s readers describe her as “raw and in-your-face” and they’re right! She is thrilled to have published her first book, and can’t wait to release her next in the spring. But right now, you can catch her coaching others on Doing Divorce Right Podcast a look at how to divorce happily and respectfully without destroying each other in the process.
Podcast: Doing Divorce Right Podcast on iTunes and Libsyn