My husband and I have been having marital trouble for some time. We are working on it, but he has no interest in sex, and my drive is healthy to say the least. I’m feeling guilty because I occasionally use on-line chat rooms to talk to mostly married men who want to flirt and engage in just chat (and the occasional pic). Wondering if anyone else here does that and how they feel about it, morally speaking. It bumps against my value of honestly and fidelity with my husband. However, we go 3-6 or even 9 months with no intimacy. Sometimes I feel I’m living in fantasy land 🙁

-Anonymous

Tulani B. This is one of those situations that sends people on an Express Train to Judgment City.  Here’s the deal: if you let your husband know and he’s okay with it, then it’s no big deal. Everyone needs to feel intimacy and desire. If you’re doing this on the sly, then you’re withdrawing from the intimacy vault you’ve set up for your primary relationship aka your marriage. Get straight on what you’re doing and why so there’s no chance of this blowing up in your face. If your husband isn’t down with this, then he needs to learn some sexting or sultry email skills. There’s no reason why he can’t be intimate in some fashion. If he refuses, then he needs to accept you need to get this attention elsewhere and you can figure out how to go from there. It’s the hiding it that’s wrong, not the doing it.

My husband is addicted to porn. He watches for hours weekly even though he knows it hurts me. I have lost all interest in being intimate with him and he doesn’t get why. Is anyone else dealing with this problem in her marriage?

– Anonymous

Tulani B. Counseling and Ludditism. Turn off the WiFi, disconnect the data plan, and see a therapist. If he won’t stop — different from can’t — then you may have to leave him to his porn and move on with your life.

Nina C. This sounds hideously demoralizing. If he’s actually upset that you won’t be intimate with him, then maybe there’s a glimmer of hope, but you need to get to a therapist and let him know how serious this is. Not acceptable.

Dena G. Addiction is the pivotal word here. Find him a therapist.

As seems to be the trend in recent years, I had a child later in life. (Pregnant at 40, now 48 with a 2nd grader.) Just recently, I’ve begun experiencing some FOMO in relation to sisters and friends who started their families at a younger age. Anyone else feeling this? If yes, how do you deal?

– Anonymous

Nina C. I had my kids super young so I’m now 49 and an empty nester. I have to admit that it is kind of awesome (don’t hate me!) but on the other hand, my children probably would have been better parented had I waited. Revel in your wisdom! And remember the freedom of your glorious 20s, which I never had. The grass is always greener and there’s no right answer.

Dena G. “Comparison is the thief of joy.”

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Tulani B.

Profesional Manager, Mother, Negotiator… purveyor of sardonic optimism with a love for gifs and great conversation.

Dena

Dena G.

Over-the-top, wise-ass, soon-to-be retired school teacher who aspires to count beyond two breaths in her meditation practice.

Nina C.

Author, mother, and founder of The Woolfer!

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The Woolfer Newsletter Team
Stephanie Staal and Nina Collins have worked together and adored each other since 1994 when they were both babies in the world of book publishing. Stephanie is a lawyer, journalist, & author of READING WOMEN, and Nina is the founder of "What Would Virginia Woolf Do?"