I had a break up in December. We were together for six and a half years. He dumped me. The trouble is we are in a band together and we teach together. This was from before we became a couple. Every time I see him my heart breaks all over again. I feel like I haven’t been able to move forward at all. He wants to be friends, and I just don’t think I can do it. We are still a great creative duo. But I’m suffering so much and I don’t know what to do.
Tulani B. That’s the heinousness of being in a band with someone you’re romantically involved with. Think ‘No Doubt’ and try to channel all that horrible heartbreak into fabulous material. The other option is to have one of you leave. That’s not my choice. It’s gonna be hard, but it’s doable. Emotions run high when you’re making art with someone, but in the future…try not to commingle your universes. Best of luck.
Monday M. Ah, the ol’ “I’m working with the person I broke up with” dilemma. I feel ya, especially as I’m a musician as well and the last thing I want to do is see the mug of someone who hurt me. After all, music is art, it’s all about the energy that goes into the sound, and if you ain’t feeling the love, the sound and vibe will suffer.
But that’s not to say it can’t be done. Can you take a break? Time cures a whole lot, including broken hearts and grudges. How important is this group to you? Can you form a different group? Can you teach separately? Even though it’s doable (I’ve continued working musically in a group with one of my exes and it was a positive experience, but there’s no way I could with two other exes…), I suspect a lot of your identity as a musician and teacher has intertwined with him and as a couple. At this point, I think it’s important for you to pave your way and set your boundaries, and to identity as YOU, not a part of someone or a group. Once that happens, you might feel stronger to encounter him in possible collaborations in the future.
Andrea R. Fleetwood Mac
15 year old just revealed plans to become a high school pot pusher. Wtf do I do?
Sherry B. Send him to one of those weekend-in-jail programs to scare the $hit out of him. Make him listen to seasons 1 & 2 of “Ear Hustle,” an amazing podcast recorded in San Quentin. I guarantee you he’ll never want to wind up in jail, even if some of the guys there sound really cool.
Tulani B. Bwahahahaha! Either you have the most honest teenager or the biggest bullsh*t artist ever. Who reveals they’re gonna sling weed to their mom? Either way, seems pretty easy, take them to the local PD and have them explain what happens to drug dealers. Scare his/her ass straight.
I use a vibrator once and sometimes twice daily, looking at online porn while locked in my bathroom to hide from my family. I favor bondage porn, or other discipline oriented stuff. I have a legitimate question. Am I a sex addict? I still have sex with my husband once a week. But I really just need to get off, and kink is what is working.
Nina C. Call me predictable, but this doesn’t seem so off to me. So what? You like to masturbate. Sounds like you also still like your husband so I think it’s all ok…maybe try to at least start talking to him about your proclivities? Think of the possibilities then…
Tulani B. Only a licensed clinical sex therapist or psychologist can diagnose sex addiction. That said, this sounds like a cumbersome schedule and one that’s clearly depriving you of your peace of mind. So, it doesn’t sound enjoyable or sustainable. As to fantasies, as long as you’re not hurting anyone and the porn isn’t made with unwilling or compromised participants, it’s just kink and not all that unusual kink. Talk to a pro if you’re worried. I lock myself in the bathroom to play Bejeweled and Sim City, so…glass houses!
Sherry B. I’d try to introduce some kink into your marriage and give up the vibrator in favor of the real thing a little more often if that’s possible. No issues here with your fantasies, but masturbation that frequently seems to me likely to interfere with the intimacy between you & your husband. How about some leather & vibrator play with your other half?
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